Okay. So I go to Wal-Mart. Because, I want candy, and some clip-on shades that don't make me look like an idiot. And while I'm there, I check out their pants, because I still lack non-camouflage pants. And I also look at their No Boundaries rings. Why? Because they're cool - etched stainless steel. Pretty cheap, too. But I'm not the type to wear that kind of thing. Mass-produced jewelry? Please. If I'm going to wear a ring, it's going to be of my own design. So I examine the rings, getting ideas on what I can do myself (I'm thinking a giant de-threaded hex nut). Then I go get some Robin's Eggs, because they're completely out of regular Whoppers, pay for my stuff, and I leave.

Or, at least, I try. I walk through the door, and, not surprisingly, nothing goes off. No alarms, nothing. Just like every other time I visit any store. But unlike every other time, a girl confronts me. No uniform, no ID, no introduction.

"Sir, do you have any unpaid merchandise?"

Well, I've got my bag, and my receipt for everything in it. "No."

"What about the ring?"

The ring? The One Ring? The Red Ring of Death? Ring around the collar? "What ring?"

"The ring in your pocket."

Oh, I see where this is going. "I don't have a ring." In retrospect, I would have liked to have known which of the 28 pockets in my vest they thought the ring was in.

It actually repeats like that for a few times. Yes, including the "Do you have any unpaid merchandise?" It loops with little variation until I get sick of it and just try to walk away. Then another girl, also with no uniform or ID, blocks my path. Then she starts up the same loop, until I get sick of it again.

I say something to the effect of, "Look, I don't have anything, I'm leaving."

"Sir, we're just trying to ask you a question. Do you have any unpaid merchandise?"

"No, I do not."

"You're lying."

What?! Oh, hell no! "Oh, so you're going to ask a question, and then tell me the answer is wrong?"

"We have you on camera."

Right about there is when I really lost it. Not as much as I should have, but enough to make them back the hell off. Have I mentioned just how dangerous it is to deny facts around me? Especially if you're going to insist you have solid proof, that you actually don't. At any rate, I basically went on a tirade about how I do not wear rings, and certainly did not steal a damn thing. Their only response was, "Wow." Said in that way like, "Wow, I can't believe you could be so monumentally stupid." I use it a lot myself.

I said, "Wow indeed," and just walked away.

Rather than pursue me themselves, they went and apparently got their fastest runner, who caught up to me as I was about to cross the street. I can't really blame the kid. He was just going by what those two dimwits told him, and they told him I stole something. He asks me if I stole something, and I say "No." He's a bit less sure, because he's running entirely on heresay. He says, "Are you sure?" Though, he goes a bit too far, with, "They have you on camera, the police are going to come and arrest you." I tell him again that I have not stolen anything.

Then he asks to check my pockets. What? Check my pockets? All of them? All of those pockets that are filled with everything you could imagine, except for stolen Wal-Mart merchandise? Sounds like a good time to me! So I let him.

In a completely shocking and almost frightening turn of events... he doesn't find a damn thing. Holy shit! How the hell did that happen?!

Obviously, he lets me go - apparently, those cops weren't actually on their way at all. I get back home, drop off my stuff, and then it occurs to me... Those assholes. They shouldn't get away with that. Check my bags, mark my receipts and, hell, go through my vest all you want, I don't mind - I was expecting it since the day I got the vest, for good reason. But if you're going to actually accuse me of a crime, and then positively insist that I'm somehow incorrect that I haven't done it, I don't think you should be let off with such minor consequences.

I run back to the store, wait in the customer service line, and finally get to speak with a manager about this. I tell him basically everything you've read up to this point, in abbreviated form. Fortunately, he's much more reasonable. He tells me to wait a moment, and has an associate get my name and number. He comes back, says the head security officer is reviewing the tapes, and will call me if they find any "grievances". He asks me if I'm happy with the current state of the situation, or if there's anything else I'd like to say to anyone. I kid you not. I thought a moment, and said, "Yes, there is something I'd like that girl to know."

Now, on the way back over, it had occured to me, that I still had the $450 Omega sent to me for the moving truck in my wallet. And, iIf these people want to ignore the truth, then I'll go a little beyond the truth. Exaggerate a bit. So I pull out the money. I tell him, "I am a Microsoft certified technician", and as I sift through the gigantic stack of $20 bills, "I. Don't. Need. To. Steal. Rings." He seemed pretty convinced.

I'm actually hoping this isn't resolved so quickly. Because it's just plain fun to fight on the side of reality. They can come after me all they want, they're not going to find any Wal-Mart rings on me or anywhere near me, period. The shortest distance between me and a Wal-Mart ring is likely the same distance btween me andWal-Mart.

Of course, before I get into a fight I really do need to finish packing.

---~---
To-Be-Done-At-Some-Point List:

CG-y:
Heatsink Array
Tie-Dye Mushroom Cloud
Imperial Battlecruiser
Pickle Kitties
Imperial Energy Crystal
Animation test - box skeleton
"Vending Machine Security"
Hard Drive vs G's
Character Modelling

Draw-y:
Greyscale Damia
"The World is Mine!"
Power Issues
"Wolf With the Red Roses"
Full-Powered Cobalt

Other-y:
Ass Certificate


Imperial supporters:


The Metal Empire is officially allied with the following:


Sometimes, even a Supreme Commander has to salute someone...


WARNING: Making assumptions has been linked to foot-in-mouth disease.